A Satire from the Republic of the Upright Bullet

The Voice Journal, March 26, 2017, with the original satire in Burmese

In The Voice journal Issue 299, Vol 4, March 26, 2017, a one-page article titled "Allegiance to the Republic of the Upright Bullet" appeared under the label "satire." (The piece is also published online here.) In a cheeky tone, the author, who goes by the name Britisher Ko Ko Maung, criticized the seemingly futile peace talks and mocked the recently aired pro-Army propaganda film called "Allegiance to the Union."

The Voice piece also highlighted, among other things, the Army's ongoing conflicts with the armed ethnic groups, the way the security forces handled the Let Padaung mine protest, and the recent murder of U Ko Ni, NLD's legal counsel and constitutional scholar. 

Soon after its publication, the Army publicly objected to the piece. The Voice, in response, issued an apology on May 14. The satire did not "directly mention in words the Army, or the armed groups of any ethnic nationals," the apology pointed out. "Seeking to stop the current civil war and with a desire for peace, it was written for the readers and the armed groups involved so they may enjoy it in lightheartedness and liberty ..." 

The Voice's apology for its satire (click to enlarge)

Today, The Irrawaddy (Burmese edition) reported that The Voice's chief editor Kyaw Min Swe and the author of the satirical piece have been detained. The pair was charged under the Telecommunications Act 66 (d), which permits suits to be filed for defamation. The suit against The Voice was brought by General Lin Htun of Yangon Division, according to The Irrawaddy report.  

Leading publications in Burma have raised concerns before about the threat 66 (d) poses to freedom of expression. Bloggers, reporters, and journalists investigating and writing on sensitive topics are particularly vulnerable to the way 66 (d) broadly defines what constitutes "extorting, coercing, restraining wrongfully, defaming, disturbing, causing undue influence or threatening ..." Those convicted face up to three years in prison and a fine.

The following is an English translation of the satirical piece by Britisher Ko Ko Maung, now presumably sitting in a jail cell.

Allegiance to the Republic of the Upright Bullet

The Republic of the Union of Myanmar—so goes the name.

Don’t you think of it as a union assembled inside the prison of the town of Pyay (Prone). It’s actually a union of eight divisions: Kachin, Kayah, Kayin (Karen), Chin, Mon, Myanmar, Rakhine, and Shan.

[Translator's note: The Burmese word "Pyi htaung su" for The Republic of the Union can be deliberately misread to mean "assembled in a prison in Pyay."]

We’re assembled for no other purpose than to unanimously, evenhandedly bicker and fight. The fight is not only in the present. It’s embedded in our history.

No matter which history book you pick up and flip through, no matter which century or era you look up, you’ll see constant warfare, for sure.

Never mind the infighting among the ethnic nationals.

Fathers and sons, brothers against brothers—we pummel and punch one another for no reason.

Nowadays, you’d find [catchphrases such as] Let’s be united, ethnic people! ... Oh, blood brothers! ... The strength of our unity! 

Don’t believe me? Just check the school curriculum and TV dramas.

Under careful analysis, I suppose we are genuinely united, truly patriotic. So united that we don’t pick fights with foreign nations; we only smack and slug one another, going around and around.

The rest of the world—when America went to war with Iraq and Afghanistan, their soldiers had to go across land and sea to reach the battle zone.

Here, we take it easy.

To go to battle, we travel by car for about a day, and suddenly there we are! At the front line! Free to fire at will!

Just because I said “battle,” don’t think our respective commanders are risking bombs and bullets to marshal their troops in the field, like General Maha Bandoola once did in history. The underlings are the ones rolling around and dying.

When a sufficient number of privates are killed off, the leaders hold peace conferences and such, celebrating now and then. 

Only the soldiers in the front line are shooting their butts off.

At the conference, their leaders are in wide grins, showing their teeth, raising their wine glasses, rubbing shoulders in photo ops.

If you don’t know, you might think this is a university class reunion. Oh, look so much fun! Don’t know what they discussed and signed for in the conference. While they discuss, the fighting in the front line goes on. After the discussion, it goes on. Gunshots and flying bullets punctuate the Union’s festivities and celebrations.

What did you say? Because the soldiers are defending us in the front line that we get to live in bullet-free zones, get to relax, develop, and thrive?

If you say so, Boss!

This Union of ours is now just about as developed as the United States of America in the 1800s.

He He! Remember the Wild West and the age of the cowboys, with guns and bullets in abundance?

Have you not seen in movies how the cowboys settle their grudges with shootouts?

Our Union should take pity on the United States. When the American cowboys settled their disputes, they stood face to face, drew their guns, and fired.

Here, when we’re disgruntled, we creep up behind you and shoot you in the back.

Look at that incident at the airport. The shooter and those involved are kids, they say.

You ask, is that all, Mr. Brit?

Our country is seeing more progress, of course. Back then, during the Let Padaung riot, the security forces fired into the sky. But somehow, they hit the forehead of a village woman standing under a palm tree. Let’s just say, she got hit because she ate the forbidden fruit of the gods that made her levitate.

Hang on. That’s not all.

The other day, in the great city of Mandalay, some fellow riding a motorcycle got hit in the forehead with a bullet that came out of nowhere.

The authorities explained that the midtown gunshot death was an accident.

Hmm, it must be so.

That must be a stray bullet from Min Hla Fort, directed at the invading English colonial forces.

Let’s just say, it’s a 150-year-old bullet that got lost along the way.

And then there are always issues with names in our country.

Just recently, in a self-sacrificing spirit, people were protesting and debating in the parliament the idea to dub a bridge Bogyoke Aung San Bridge, an affair of national importance.

Because of this monumental nation-building initiative, even the statue of Bogyoke Aung San that had, for its entire life, stood on its own with pride was unwittingly subjected to curses and abuses.

To tell you the truth, instead of naming a bridge, I think we should be holding a referendum to change the name of the Union.

The thought came to me after watching a drama on the Myawadi TV program.

The name of that drama is Allegiance to the Union.

So goes the name, but in the story, the ethnic groups are butting heads, socking among themselves, bullets swarming everywhere.

Allegiance to the Republic of the Union? Or Allegiance to the Republic of the Upright Bullet? I can’t tell.

[Translator's note: The words "Pyi htaung su," the Republic of the Union, and "Kyi htaung suu," upright bullet united, are perfect rhymes.]

If I propose that we change the name of this bullet-riddled, bomb-whizzed Union of ours to the Republic of the Upright Bullet, would you come to arrest me?

Well, if that’s the case, let’s carry on with the Republic of Upright Bullet ... I mean, the Republic of the Union.

Ahem, Ahem, just kidding, OK?

Britisher Ko Ko Maung
(Translated from Burmese by Kenneth Wong)